Losing my mind

Posted on 15 May 2013 by Adelina

Today I dreamt that I saw my mom in the hallway when I opened the door to the hallway, she was happy.

Shocked, I went tell my boyfriend and son, then I went in the living room where she was…

I have never dreamed myself crying! Never! But the feeling of helplessness overcame me so bad, that I’ve cried in a similar way I did when I got the grim phonecall. You see, in the dream I knew she’s dead, so I feared I have finally lost my mind.

I hope I’ll never have this happen to me, as I’m too sane for it.

Time soothes

Posted on 12 May 2013 by Adelina

There’s a saying going something like: “there’s nothing time can’t mend, but also remember to give time.. time”.

I believe this! Time has proven to be extremely efficient during my life, especially during the love sick stages. I can’t say I hadn’t had my heart broken some times. It also worked with dead pets and broken friendships. Even with poverty. Humans are quite adaptable!

One thing I noticed time is failing with, is death.

Almost 11 years since my dad passed away, yet – time didn’t mend this. I won’t bring mom into this, since there isn’t even one year, but I’m sure 20 years won’t mend it either.

The small rambling of tonight is: time does mend stuff mostly, but other times, it just soothes them… and it’s pretty sad.

Drama year

Posted on 24 April 2013 by Adelina

Aaaahhh!! QQ-QQ! My heart can’t take it anymore!

This is getting boring as shit!

QQ-QQ!

I wish

Posted on 20 April 2013 by Adelina

I wish I would’ve indulged my mom’s passion of horror movies more often! She was a big fan of the genre.. Sadly, I’m a chicken. We could’ve had so many nights of horror fun.. and nightmares.

I wish I would’ve bought mom an awesome phone. She loved awesome phone, but she was technology noob. The only thing she could do was make and receive calls. Tried to teach her cool tricks.

I wish I could’ve taken her to the mountain. She’s been once when she was younger and it surely impressed her. Her eyes would light up when she’d talk about her mountain trip.

I wish I was a rich SOB and I would’ve taken her see the world. My poor village girl! I wish I could’ve enlarged her world! Visit China and the pyramids!

I wish I had soundproof walls, so that when she’d have a crisis, we wouldn’t argue – I’d just lock myself in the other room. Leave her be.

I wish we would’ve gone out more often, not just birthdays!

I wish… I wish so many things for my village girl. I wish she knew more than this, this life and what it offered us so far.

I wish that she’s awesome know! And her English language skills are improved! And she’s travelling like some Superwoman angel, seeing oceans and the Easter Isle!

I wish dad is happy too! I kinda already know he is. He’s probably cooking cloud muffins and rainbow cake! Ohhh, and playing whatever Bingo/Lottery the Heaven has to offer!

I also wish my dead pets are there! Even the ones I rescued when sick, and time wasn’t on our side.

There’s probably a pretty big piece of Heaven for my loved ones! Just imagine: a truckload of pets with two people, who have loved and lost – reunited with the ones they lost, who are also reunited with the ones they lost and so on!

But my village girl… I wish she’s… so happy and feeling so pretty and awesome and smart and… I wish she’s literally singing between trees and grass and flowers!

Miss nice bitch, no more

Posted on 14 March 2013 by Adelina

A lot of drama has been going on lately, and during a chat with my boyfriend yesterday, he pinpointed that – maybe all these could’ve been avoided if I wasn’t THAT nice, since lately, I’m sharing my bed with everyone! His parents and relatives, and all sorts of random people.

So I have decided.. Starting yesterday, if someone, however pisses me off – I won’t close my eyes and move through. Tell it out and loud, depending on my mood and level of pissage if I’ll be polite or plain rude.

Writing this, I am realizing that I used to be THAT kind of person, I’d usually hypocritically mock – not standing up for herself, yearning the appreciation of people, et cetera.

A bit funny since 7 years ago, I used to be me – now.

Feedback

Posted on 13 March 2013 by Adelina

feed·back

/ˈfēdˌbak/

Noun

Information about reactions to a product, a person’s performance of a task, etc., used as a basis for improvement.
The modification or control of a process or system by its results or effects, e.g., in a biochemical pathway or behavioral response.

Nuff’ said!

Yayblog

Posted on 11 March 2013 by Adelina

So, I had a talk with a friend today, and she told me that she hopes that if I ever have something against her, I will tell her – to which I replied: “fear not, you’d find out from my blog anyway!”

Later, when I started pounding on what I said, I have realized that – my blog isn’t just a marvelous therapist (best I ever seen, love you, xoxoxoxo!!), but it’s also one of my sanity factors.

If I wouldn’t come here to QQ, rage, brag about something that’s probably shitty – I’d be a nasty damn person!

*Sigh*

Mothers

Posted on 10 March 2013 by Adelina

Last week I had to take my son to the hospital for a stupid infection produced by phimosis, and for two days, I sat with him there helping him accommodate.

This entry isn’t about my boy, but about the faces I’d see every time I’d go downstairs by the ER, to grab myself a coffee and a cigarette.

The same face I’d see on those mothers, would be the same one I had when my son started having fever, being clueless about what’s wrong with him. The thing is: seeing your kid in distress is painful more than words can say! And on top of them all, you are NOT ALLOWED to express that pain. The kids are meant to be protected, they shouldn’t know about sickness, and such things. So you man up, put up your jolly face and start messing around with your kid how he’ll be alright, nothing is happening, you tell the story on how you had the same thing and the doctor treated you in a matter of seconds – some more jokes – all with your heart being torn apart by a pack of savaging hurtful feelings!

I find this brave, again, more than words can say! Also a little self-motivating, as in, if a patch is rough – just imagine mothers in an ER. Beats them all!

Being a mother ain’t easy, there ain’t a manual for it (alright, there might be one, but I doubt it’s any GOOD!!), but it’s hella freaking rewarding!

Better me

Posted on 28 February 2013 by Adelina

You know how I’ve been praying for something to happen? It happened two days ago when I have finally met the man responsible for half my DNA.

Ever since I found out about his existence when I was 8 I have always ~~secretly~~ not so secretly wanted to meet him, not for some teary-drama reunion, but to check him out, see if he looks like me, or if we own common traits.

Check and check!

The thing is, this encounter has made me want to improve myself.

How?

That’s for both of us, reader, to find out.

Rage

Posted on 24 February 2013 by Adelina

I found that my personality type doesn’t offer me a lot of ways to express anger when I feel it. Maybe that’s why when I’m angry, it lasts for days.

I’ll take this moment, for example: I’m angry and pissed like hell, but there’s nothing to do about it, or better said: I feel that I can do nothing about it, except QQ on here.

Hmph!

P.S. – Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you once again, anally with a knife shaped dildo.

Man, I do feel better!

Ză Pandora Box

Cheaper than therapy!