Because I’m not right in my head

My dear readers, whomever you may be,

Did I ever tell you about my ability to take something good in my life and turn my back to it? It has happened multiple times.

Tonight, I remembered a certain banker who appeared in my life, with about 32 tulips, a cute hamster in a cute cage and an unsaid promise to lay the world at my feet.

I brutally turned my back to him, mostly because my heart was already given to someone else, someone who at that certain time didn’t share the same feelings as I did, but apparently I’m more feelings oriented than anything. Also, I didn’t dig the whole poor girl vs. rich man sort of deal. It was making me sort of uncomfortable, apparently I can’t even act like a gold digger, let alone be one. Take me slow, step to my level, I might know you’re rich, but I don’t want a constant reminder of it.

Feelings oriented…

Forward: I could’ve visited Belgium. I haven’t once stepped outside Romania. Maybe I wanted to visit Belgium – but my feelings went boom-shakalaka-boom. I’m still confused whether it was the fear of flying acting out or a bucket full of loneliness suddenly dropped in my head making me go – boom-shakalaka-boom.

(I’m really into boom-shakalaka-BOOM!)

Forward a little – I pretty much screwed my relationship with my foster dad, whom has been helping me a lot. So much that – the first pair of winter boots I’ve had since my actual father died, came as a gift from him. Spending winters in sneakers ain’t fun. It’s wet and cold.

Gosh, there’s more than this, but I won’t fill this entry with all the times I’ve acted on a feelings rather than pragmatism. But do I regret it? Do I, really? Maybe I regret the way I’ve handled the things. In my defense, whenever I go boom-shakalaka-boom, it’s usually followed by a cage sentiment. Do I regret the outcome? You see.. I’m not totally sure. I mean, I got here, and it could be worse. All these experiences, all these people I’ve known, all the choices I’ve made, it’s true as the saying goes “your choices define you”.

I think that if I’ve ever been rich, I would’ve went the Gaga way. Yeah, probably would’ve had a music video airing by now, sadly I can’t say my voice would’ve sounded better than Ruby’s voice singing live (Romanian singer). Gaga clothes and Gaga palaces for animals. I spoil my loved ones.  

I think I’m on it again, and a loud voice in the back of my head keeps dragging me out of it, but… ehhh. I’d probably regret it. Maybe I’d regret it more than if I’d listen to it. Maybe I’d regret it instantly.

My dear Chinese friend, if you’re a computer wanker bored rat, just like I am, minus the insanity (and I’m not a wanker, but most people wank so I respect your jack off skills), having a dull life, feeling the days flying away merciless, feeling dead, because this ain’t living – I encourage you to continue reading my blog, because the party in my head is too large just for me.

I’m smiling right now. I guess I’m feeling a little happy. Maybe I’m not able to dictate the track my life’s going on. Illness, movings, death, school, stuff, crap, et cetera, but tonight I took a decision… and I’m feeling BIG.

 

 

 

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Had an awful day today.

It started normal, as a regular day. I woke up, went outside, took a breath of fresh air, been greeted by my dogs and some of the cats, bought coffee, morning routine… until the phone rang.

It’s been less than a year ever since I was spilling my heart out on how horrible is moving. Yeah, some of those posts might’ve gotten deleted. Fuck you 1dollarwebhosting! Fuck you! Fuck you and then fuck you with something sharp and pointy thing that’s gonna make you bleed till you die.

So, it’s been less than a year, but now I have to move again. I felt that grief physically this time.

Suddenly my bones aged. My knees bended, my back arched. I have lost my normal stance, I think that if I had a mirror and would’ve looked at it, I would’ve looked 40 something. Maybe I’m still looking 40 something, but ain’t gonna look in no mirror.

I don’t know how I’m gonna take it this time.

You know what pisses me off? That I keep hearing that it’s gonna be okay, that I’ll survive and the whole “you’re alright” speech. Well, fuck you, I’m not fucking alright and I’m never going to be fucking alright. I’ll forever be damaged.

Sometimes I dream about having a place of my own, and sometimes those dream turn bad. I develop another sort of fear. Whenever I dream about being totally happy, I die in that dream.

I think I became better at being sad rather than normal.

Interesting!

Graduation

I’m officially not a hard knock any more! Yay! From now on, whenever someone asks me about my education, I don’t have to stutter in an attempt to avoid telling my sob story, or giving the old “hard knock” term, used by an explanation of what that means, since.. ehh, apparently there aren’t a lot of hard knocks in my circles.

I’m both happy and unhappy on this matter: I’m happy because I feel more whole, but unhappy because on Sunday, the last day of school, when the class was over – I felt empty. I knew there won’t be a ceremony, I knew nothing special will happen, but I wanted to climb on the top of the highest mountain and yell at the top of my lungs: “Take it, life! Finished high school!”, scream out my happiness. Without telling anyone, I wished people would heartily congratulate me on my achievement, since it’s been anything but easy. It is my fault, I know it. I’m not letting out everything that I am or feel. I wear my Joker clothes as if there’s nothing else to wear.

So, yeah, I guess I nailed it. My dramatic subconscious managed to screw a perfectly happy event… again.

But it’s okay. If my semi-normal streak won’t end for another 3 years, soon after I might finally prove myself – to myself, the dead ones and my semi-normal world.

Yay for questing.

Please, God

I don’t get it! Have someone be, and suddently cease exist. I don’t get it, I swear!
We were given this – this… super complex thing called life. Feelings, our personality, the humans around us. We were given this, where “this” means literally everything and “everything” is motherfucking complex.
Someone smart once talked to me about the people reaching God as they grow old, I always thought they are doing it to pray for a smooth ending, but I think they are doing it hoping that “everything” won’t just end, because, dear God, if you really do exist, you can’t turn us into nothing. You can’t turn them, my mother, my dog – into nothing, but if you do, I think you’re doing it because you don’t look us in the eye, invisibly almighty heavenly entity, and I’m not just saying this. Today when I looked Pusha into her eyes, I saw her love, her pain, her serenity – but I swear I also saw her desire to stay with me, I swear she knew what imense pain she will cause and I swear she didn’t want this.
When I dealt with death for the first time, I felt anger. Second time – I felt pitty, and now… I just feel this isn’t fair. And it isn’t – so make it up for us! Let there be Heaven and have everyone roam happy, because they deserve it.
I heard that once you age dealing with death gets easier… but now YOU ARE, and tomorrow might not be.

Duality

I’ve always considered myself a nice, kind, warm person. Not the best there is, but anyway – I felt pretty good about myself. I’m the girl who’s loved by beggars, who cries at movies and news articles and… a lot of things! I hide this 99% of the time. If you’d ask me when’s the last time I cried, I’d say I don’t remember, because I wouldn’t remember the last time I truly cried for me, but shit, I cry for a lot of shit in deep secrecy.

I’m not saying I was feeling Mother fucking Theresa, but remotely close.

I’ll write more about this sometime.

Core

Usually I have nothing awesome to post on here, altho’ a lot of awesome stuff happen, but I live them differently. Awesome moments last way shorter than grim ones!

Tonight, something happened that reminded me that no matter how lonely I may feel sometimes, it’s not really true. One silly sentence changed it all: “i remember u are prude ”

Silly, right? But I’m such a little girl inside.

I am happy at least someone knows this.

Thank you for putting me into the passenger seat tonight.

Spring

I am not ready for Spring.

I realized the winter scenery fit my life better. I miss the short days, which is weird, because they haven’t even regained much power yet. But they fit me better.

I’m not sure if it’s a matter of surroundings, since some couple of days ago, I was defending my life more fierce than a dog defending his bone. It’s not that bad, it really isn’t. It’s not that bad right now.

I guess part of my adaptability involves taking great pride in those regular, good ol’ days. I feel like a phone’s battery. Wear me out and I’ll eventually die in your hands. Plug me in – he hee!

I feel pretty charged right now. Things have been good for these couple of days, but… can I, please, keep the winter daylight? Feel my days fast forwarding?

I am not ready for spring because I am not ready to yearn to feel truly alive.

 

 

For a moment there..

I thought this is my good year. I mean, I’m finishing high school, in autumn I will enrol into the nurses school! Finally! But as I am looking at my oversized red swollen hands, the joy fades away.

It’s cold here, inside my so called home. In the bathroom, I can hear the ice crack beneath the floor, the rug in the kitchen is frozen solid and the water pipes froze. My hands get red maybe after 2 minutes spent there. I can’t manage more than 15 maybe, I can’t use them any more and they ache.

I think yesterday was the day I finally woke up and realized where I am. Maybe the village charm is drifting away, altho’ man, it’s beautiful out here! Imagine a beautiful winter, the most beautiful winter scenery – I see it every minute. Beautiful!

But even with all the beauty surrounding me, I still feel doomed. Ehh, I never stopped being doomed, but sometimes I forget it. Main depression reason? Remembering the damnation.

My hands feel tingly right now. I think the blood heated up or something.

I still think about my mother. I’m sure she went through this.

Doom, more doom.

Metamorphosis

I’ve always wanted to be strong. I was always strong, stronger than most maybe, but I’ve always wanted more. I wanted to be untouchable.

I have reached 80% of that maybe. I am giving it only 80% because there are still things that can bring me down. Death, huge poverty, sickness. I can’t control those, but I can control my feelings outside those circumstances to a 90% point.

Wish come true! Am I happy? Sorta. Expected it to be more. This proves once again that humans are assholes.

Sorta.. sorta…

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