My dear readers, whomever you may be,
Did I ever tell you about my ability to take something good in my life and turn my back to it? It has happened multiple times.
Tonight, I remembered a certain banker who appeared in my life, with about 32 tulips, a cute hamster in a cute cage and an unsaid promise to lay the world at my feet.
I brutally turned my back to him, mostly because my heart was already given to someone else, someone who at that certain time didn’t share the same feelings as I did, but apparently I’m more feelings oriented than anything. Also, I didn’t dig the whole poor girl vs. rich man sort of deal. It was making me sort of uncomfortable, apparently I can’t even act like a gold digger, let alone be one. Take me slow, step to my level, I might know you’re rich, but I don’t want a constant reminder of it.
Forward: I could’ve visited Belgium. I haven’t once stepped outside Romania. Maybe I wanted to visit Belgium – but my feelings went boom-shakalaka-boom. I’m still confused whether it was the fear of flying acting out or a bucket full of loneliness suddenly dropped in my head making me go – boom-shakalaka-boom.
(I’m really into boom-shakalaka-BOOM!)
Forward a little – I pretty much screwed my relationship with my foster dad, whom has been helping me a lot. So much that – the first pair of winter boots I’ve had since my actual father died, came as a gift from him. Spending winters in sneakers ain’t fun. It’s wet and cold.
Gosh, there’s more than this, but I won’t fill this entry with all the times I’ve acted on a feelings rather than pragmatism. But do I regret it? Do I, really? Maybe I regret the way I’ve handled the things. In my defense, whenever I go boom-shakalaka-boom, it’s usually followed by a cage sentiment. Do I regret the outcome? You see.. I’m not totally sure. I mean, I got here, and it could be worse. All these experiences, all these people I’ve known, all the choices I’ve made, it’s true as the saying goes “your choices define you”.
I think that if I’ve ever been rich, I would’ve went the Gaga way. Yeah, probably would’ve had a music video airing by now, sadly I can’t say my voice would’ve sounded better than Ruby’s voice singing live (Romanian singer). Gaga clothes and Gaga palaces for animals. I spoil my loved ones.
I think I’m on it again, and a loud voice in the back of my head keeps dragging me out of it, but… ehhh. I’d probably regret it. Maybe I’d regret it more than if I’d listen to it. Maybe I’d regret it instantly.
My dear Chinese friend, if you’re a computer wanker bored rat, just like I am, minus the insanity
(and I’m not a wanker, but most people wank so I respect your jack off skills), having a dull life, feeling the days flying away merciless, feeling dead, because this ain’t living – I encourage you to continue reading my blog, because the party in my head is too large just for me.
I’m smiling right now. I guess I’m feeling a little happy. Maybe I’m not able to dictate the track my life’s going on. Illness, movings, death, school, stuff, crap, et cetera, but tonight I took a decision… and I’m feeling BIG.